long but worth it if you're Italian!

A friend writes me...

I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents' house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non-Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees.....I was wrong! I had only known Karen for three weeks when I extended the invitation. 'I know these family things can be a little weird,' I told her, 'but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.' 'Sounds fine to me,' Karen said. I told my mother I'd be bringing Karen with me. 'She's a very nice girl and she's really looking forward to meeting all of you.' 'Sounds fine to me,' my mother said. And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds-fine-to-me.What more could I want?I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season -- an Italian woman's reason for living. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn't clean. She doesn't cook. She doesn't bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being! I brought her anyway.

7 p.m. -- we arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like
cheeseburger on the barbecue determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, 'She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being!' 7:30 p.m. - Others arrive.Zio Giovanni walks in with my Zia Maria, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter=2 0of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, anchovies and cheese....no meat of course. When I offer to make Karen's plate she says, 'No Thank you.' She points to the anchovies with a look of disgust.... 'You don't like anchovies?' I ask.'I don't like fish, Karen announces to one and all, as 67 other varieties of seafood are baking, broiling, or simmering, in the next room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable.Zia Maria asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve.Karen says, 'Knockwurst.' My father, who is still staring at Karen's chest in a daze, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, 'Knockers?'My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I'd hoped.

8:00 p.m. - Second course. The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she'll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my 'Merry Christmas' napkin from my lap, place it on the 'Merry Christmas' tablecloth and walk into the kitchen. 'I don't want to start any trouble,' my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. 'But if she pours this on my pasta, I'm going to throw acid in her face.' 'Come on,' I tell her. 'It's Christmas. Let her eat what she wants.' My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. 'Tell me the truth,' she says, 'are you serious with this tramp?' 'She's not a tramp,' I reply. 'And I've only known her for three weeks.' 'Well, it's your life,' she tells me, 'but if you marry her, she'll poison you.' 8:30 p.m. - More fish. My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away=2 0the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette.'Why don't you give them a little hand?' I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. 'Dear, you don't have to do that,' my mother tells her, smiling painfully. 'Oh, okay,' Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, 'Whoops.' More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as 'slimy, like worms.' My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Zia Maria does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Zio Giovanni doesn't know what to make of it. My father's dentures fall out and chews a six-inch gash in the Christmas tablecloth. 10:00 pm. - Coffee, dessert. Espresso all around . A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve , picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it. 'This is fun,' Karen says.Time passes and believe it or not, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer -- even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, 'Get that bitch out of my house.' Sounds fine to me.THE END---- If you aren't in stitches by now, you don't know Italians!!!

Koi - NYC

Just went last night with a big group which is usually the tell all sign if a restaurant can hold it's own...and it did! Yummy everything! I will say it has nothing on it's Los Angeles location but you forget all about the "chain-like" decor once you bite into the delicious delicacies adorning the menu. Their hosting staff was a pain to deal with large groups and you must all be there to sit down so that was annoying but the food more than made up for it.

Best thing on the Menu: Spicy tuna over Crispy Rice (better in LA)

LITM - Jersey City

I loved this place. Wonderful unknown artists display their work on the walls while hip patrons snack on delicious small plates. The unassuming decor is stark white from the walls to the furniture. While I wouldn't have done white tables and chair to avoid a diner like atmosphere, it somehow works in this art gallery/restaurant. While some small plates were definitely better than others you can't go wrong with the wine list. Ask your server to help you pair a bottle with your meal. All of the staff was extremely helpful! I actually forgot my wallet there and didn't realize it until the following day and sure enough as I ran in in a complete panic they were there, with my financial life in hand, waiting to ease my pain. Great date spot as you'll have plenty to discuss given the decor.

Best thing on the menu: the tuna tar tare or the fried artichokes.

Maracas - New York

If you're going to drink DO! The margaritas here are fabulous. If you're going to eat, DON'T. The food is sub par featuring tasteless enchiladas and dried out rice. The sauces are lifeless and leave your stomach uncomfortable and your heart wanting more. Stick with the booze and the chips and salsa. I will say that combo is one to be reckoned with!

Best Thing On The Menu: The booze!

Delish.com

So excited for this new site!!!!

http://www.delish.com/

go go cook dine ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The Village Pet STore And Charcoal Grill

Check out the full article: http://www.woostercollective.com/2008/10/the_village_pet_store_and_charchoal_gril.html

Review coming soon!

I can't wait to do this next time I have this problem!

City Vino - Jersey City, NJ

Fabulous little wine bar with some very tasty Peruvian inspired tapas. The wine list is extensive and unique and so is the menu. Options include culinary treats from South America, Italy and France and the Wine list spans the globe. It seems almost misplaced... like it should be somewhere in Manhattan and exiting the establishment to the baron ghost town that is Jersey City's waterfront at night, is almost dreamlike in that you expect more noise, congestion and bums. The wait staff, while often hard to get a hold of, was very knowledgeable of the menu items and wines they offered. The Stuffed peppers were delectable and truly a meal unto themselves. This is a fabulous little date spot that should not be missed. If you're not hungry just go for a glass of vino and enjoy the decor.

Best thing on the menu: The Empanadas

The Chart House - Weehawken, NJ

This was fabulous every step of the way. This establishment boasts a view of the Manhattan skyline able to be seen from any part of the restaurant through immense floor to ceiling windows. The service, menu, and every bite was executed perfectly. Our waitress was very knowledgeable about the menu and truly helped to guide our selection with detailed descriptions and researched recommendations. We started with the lobster spring rolls accompanied by a spicy honey mustard sauce. Unreal! We then moved onto the crab, avocado, and mango stack which highlighted each flavor beautifully while combining to form a truly delicious tower of flavor. On to the main course I went with the Chart House mixed grill (as I am often unable to decide on one thing for dinner) but I substituted the salmon with a blackened Chilean sea bass fillet. One of the best decisions I have ever made....DELISH! A crab cake, grilled shrimp skewer, vegetables and rice pilaf accompanied my treats from the sea exquisitely. For dessert, a pre-ordered (they insist!) molten lava cake which speaks for itself in flavor and aroma. All in all it was one of those amazing meals you remember and reference for years to come. I love when they sneak up on me like that!

Best thing on the menu: Everything!

Rosa Mexicana - Hackensack, NJ

Um no me gusta! I have been to two of the locations in the city and loved every bite. This New Jersey extension, while welcomed at first, was a travesty to the Rosa Mexicana chain. The empanadas were tasteless and hello???? Deep fried beef??? How can that not have taste? I ordered a "lump Crab Meat Enchilada" and was appalled when I was served stringy crab meat in a tortilla drowning in "ok" sauce. I could have made the same canned crab meat thing at home and saved myself the $25! The only redeeming morsel of the night was the guacamole which they make in front of you. And if you have enough pomegranate margaritas you'll forget you're getting second rate Mexican food and first rate prices!

Best thing on the menu: The signature Pomegranate margaritas...even over on this side of the river they're spectacular!

Spice - New York City

This yummy AND CHEAP Thai food is quite possibly the best comfort food available in NYC. Now I realize that is a bold statement and all you Smack and Spurs loyalists are rolling your eyes right now but SERIOUSLY! The food is perfectly cooked whether you eat in or take out. Aroma's that tickle your nose and reach every part of your tongue with each bite, a lovely mix of crunchy and smooth textures, and perfect portion sizes make this NYU staple and must try on your next rainy day...and there are allot of those days coming!

Best thing on the menu: The Shrimp Phad Thai and shrimp Fritters

Solera - New York City

Just had lunch here and was impressed. The service was impeccable and the food was very good as well. Some of the hot tapas we ordered came out a bit cold but were actually not bad given the temperature discrepancy. The star of the lunch was the paella! Bountiful amounts of lobster, scallops, shrimp still in their shells, and clams left my mouth unable to stop inhaling the delicious dish. Sangria was ok at best and really just tasted like wine with some fruit in it. I've had better. To be honest it was a delicious lunch despite some obvious set backs. I would definitely recommend it and I look forward to returning.

Best Thing On The Menu: The Paella!

Luka’s - Richfield Park, NJ

If you walk to fast down the street it’s on you’ll pass it and trust me you don’t want to do that. The larger than life chef, Luka, makes a mean Italian dinner. The portobello mushrooms literally melt in your mouth the second they hit your tongue. The calamari is crispy but not over fried as I've found most restaurants tend to do lately. For main courses you can't go wrong. Fresh ingredients, home made pasta and sauces, give a whole new meaning to comfort food. Choose anything and you'll be in heaven. The space itself is tiny so large groups and last minute Saturday crashers beware. Plan in advance and get your tummies down to this place. You won’t be sorry!

Best thing on the menu = anything…you really can’t go wrong!

Bombers Burrito Bar - Albany, NY

The Name Bombers says it all. These jam packed gigantic burritos are so fabulous you wish you could eat two...or finish the one you started. Great hole in the wall atmosphere, coupled with neon lights and loud music make this a great place to start out your weekend or tie one on after a long day of work. Beware!!! The margaritas are no joke and will leave you stumbling out of the place before you could even say adios! Try the poppers and the grilled chicken quesadilla for a lighter approach to the evening. This lark street hot spot boasts trivia and karaoke nights as well as multiple drink specials. Go on your birthday and you'll get a giant Margarita to share with friends or dare to tackle yourself. Muy Bueno!

Best Thing On The Menu: Any of the Burritos paired with a regular margarita (rocks and salt of course)

Il Buco - New York City

Delicious. This place will bring you to Italy and back again. Fresh ingredients, inventive flavors and unique combinations make this peasant Italian food a must taste in Noho. Just some of the amazing things to order include: Zucchini flowers stuffed with creamy ricotta and anchovies then lightly deep fried, Fresh mozzarella and cucumber, the homemade pastas of the day and so much more. The countryside decor makes you feel at home instantly and the knowledgeable staff complete this perfect package. Great for groups, great for lunch or dinner, great great great!
Ciao!

Best Thing On The Menu: Everything!

The Mile Square - Hoboken NJ

Eh not the best fish Tacos I've ever had but decent. I think "decent" is probably the word I'll use to describe this whole establishment. The humus platter, while slightly yummy, did nothing for the eyes. The drunken burger was just OK and not surging with the flavor of beef, cheese and Guinness the description promised. Our Waiter was pleasant but not too knowledgeable about the menu and sat us at a dirty table we had to ask to be washed. Beers were great though! The expansive layout and lengthy beer list make this a fabulous bar to go to after you've eaten somewhere else. But I'd eat somewhere else. haha

Best Thing On The Menu: The Beer!

Balthazar - NYC

This Soho staple continues to impress it's ever growing clientele with every breakfast, lunch, brunch, and dinner it serves. The Tower of seafood was out of this world and well worth the Benjamin it took to get it. I recommend the Bar Steak with fries. Succulent bites of juicy meat melt in your mouth almost instantly. The smell of the butter on top is enough to make you want to lick the top of the steak before cutting it. The fried here are out of this work and rival that of Pastis in the meatpacking district. It's always busy so get a reservation and stick to it.

Best thing on the menu: the fries!!!!

Tavern On The Green - NYC

You want to propose to someone, impress a client or just look like you have money be my guest and go here. The food is “eh” and the ambiance is borderline gaudy. But it is a NYC icon so what the hell go for a snack. A very expensive, sub par snack. Enjoy those 30 seconds of feeling like a big shot.

Best thing on the menu = the mints in the bathroom

La Esquina - NYC

A SECRET RESTAURANT!!! Skeptical...so was I. On the Corner of Kenmare and Lafayette lies an unassuming taco bar but come 6pm a nice lady with a clipboard emerges from the "No Admittance" door and brings those lucky to have obtained a reservation (through a special number) into Mexican food heaven! Down 3 flights of stairs, and through the kitchen to Tequila bar nirvana we go. Once seated we had our pick of small plates and full entrees. I have a weakness for small plates so tapas it was! We enjoyed every mouth watering morsel as we admired the dark, cavern like decor. What this secret dinning room lacked in windows and light it more than made up for with taste sensations such as the Truffle quesadilla and empanadas. Completely lit by candelight we sat and marveled at how each small plate brought back memories of Mexico. The staff, food, decor...simply amazing. I cannot wait to return.

Best Thing On The Menu: EVERYTHING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMyHuCVaRaE&NR=1

Funniest clip ever!!!!

The Dove Parlor - NYC

So I had the pleasure of spending some time here last night and I have nothing but fabulous things to say about this little gem in the West Village. Set 6 steps down from bustling Thompson street, this old world English tea room serves unique cocktails and delicious finger foods. The Honey Dove is their signature drink: a blend of honey, soy milk and Cognac. Not one of my faves but definitely something to try around the holidays given it's creamy egg nog texture. The lights are dim, the big band jazz music fairly loud and the crowd small and eclectic. Comfy charming seats and mini doilies under every drink complete this hot spot's old world charm. Get here before it gets popular! Check it out:
http://menupages.com/restaurantdetails.asp?areaid=0&restaurantid=43304&neighborhoodid=0&cuisineid=0

Best thing on the menu: The Toast Tower - you get a little taste of everything!

Nolita House - NYC

In a word….crap. While the food wasn’t terrible the service was horrendous. The waitress seemed confused as to where she was, what her job was and why we kept asking for food. I asked for whole wheat toast and my sandwich came out on a white role. My friend’s turkey burger came out pink in the middle. Turkey isn’t pink. The owner was great and took off some of the bill while trying to salvage our broken relationship. Even though free brownies and cheesecake would normally solve most of the world’s problems, it was not going to work here. Save your money and go to a place that can afford a flyswatter.

Best thing on the menu = the beer….because if you drink enough of it you’ll forget how bad the food and service is

Yama - NYC

The sushi is on steroids!!!! Each piece I had to literally cut to fit in my mouth and trust me my mouth is huge! We shared a platter for two between 3 people and had some left over and I eat like a man!

Best thing on the menu = white fish was yummy at Yama!

Mottsu - NYC

This is a staple if you’re in the Soho/Noho area. The great service and fresh fresh FRESH sushi make this little spot a must visit. Each piece of fish tasted superb and it was the first time I was full from a sashimi platter. In the Spring/Summer they open the glass window and you get a nice breeze while you snack on wonderful treats from the sea. I can’t say enough positive things about this place. Definitely go ASAP but walk slow down Mott or you might miss it!

Best thing on the menu: The sashimi platter and the spicy tuna mayo! Put it on anything!

Bond Street Sushi - NYC

Probably the most fantastic meal I have ever had in NYC. It's best to leave your loud friends and family at home for this one however. It’s super quiet and at some points the “zen” atmosphere is enough to put you to sleep. I feel like I should have been getting a facial instead of stuffing my face full of free edamame. The food was fantastic as was the service. PS the little rock in front of you when you sit down is not edible.

Best thing on the menu = crispy rock shrimp and lobster tempura. Mmm mmmmmmm

Pipa - NYC

Just awesome. At first you think you mixed up the address with a chandelier shop but alas you come to your senses and THANK GOD you do cause you'll need all five. This place boasts a sexy yet friendly decor, excellent little tapas, and the sweetest sangria I've had the privilege of drinking. We laughed, we cried, I stuffed my face and where else can you shop for a new chandelier and have dinner at the same time? 

Best thing on the menu: The calamari. Your non fish eaters better make this your exception to the rule or just don't go.